I Have A What?
by Sarah1281
Summary: Anastasia Cousland confronts her betrothed about his hereditary elven appreciation everyone keeps telling her about and what it will mean for their relationship only to discover that, as usual, he has absolutely no idea what she's even talking about.


I Have A What?

Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age.

"Alistair, we need to talk," Anastasia Cousland said hesitantly, biting her lip.

Alistair's heart plummeted. He may not be the most experienced man around when it came to women but even he knew that those words were an almost universally bad sign. As Alistair had recently realized that he had, in fact, fallen in love with the woman before him and even more recently become engaged to her, this was pretty much his worst case scenario. "Talk?" he asked, trying desperately to keep his voice level.

Anastasia seemed strangely reluctant to go on which Alistair could just manage to hope meant that her heart wasn't set on this and he might be able to change her mind. "Yes, talk."

The pair of them stood in awkward silence. Alistair really didn't want to have this conversation but he couldn't just leave either and so the minutes dragged on until he felt that it was getting a little ridiculous. "About?" he finally prompted.

Anastasia closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "About your elf fetish," she blurted out.

Alistair practically fell over. That was not what he had been expecting to hear. "My _what_?"

Anastasia opened her eyes and stared unflinchingly at him. "Your elf fetish."

"But…I don't even **have** an elf fetish!" he insisted.

"That's not what I heard," Anastasia retorted, crossing her arms.

"From _who_?" Alistair asked, genuinely puzzled.

Anastasia waved her hand vaguely. "Oh, you know, everyone. People have heard that we're engaged to be married, you see, and so they've told me all about the Theirin Elf Fetish. In fact, I've had seventeen different people warn me that you're likely to cheat on me with one the minute my back is turned just today. I was initially just going to ignore what people have been saying but at this point it's getting ridiculous so I thought I'd better bring it up."

Alistair blinked, feeling the uncomfortable but all-too-familiar sensation that everyone else knew more about his paternal line than he did. "Theirin Elf Fetish?"

"Oh yes," Anastasia replied with a nod. "Apparently your father had been seeing this Orlesian elf during the rebellion – she mysteriously vanished so who knows what happened there – and then they claim he was involved with this other Orlesian _Grey Warden_ elf who eventually went off to Weisshaupt. Also, most of Cailan's mistresses were elven. That's two elf fetishes for two Theirin males."

"Two people who happen to have had sex with a few – or a lot in Cailan's case – does not mean that my family suddenly has a hereditary thing for elves!" Alistair cried out.

"Are you sure?" Anastasia asked him. "I mean, these are two of your closest relatives, after all. It would be really weird if it were just a coincidence."

"It would be even _weirder_ if all of these random people who are apparently warning you about my secret elf fetish that is apparently so clandestine that even I don't know about it knew more about my, um, sexual preferences than I do," Alistair retorted.

"Are you trying to tell me that you **don't** have an elf fetish?" Anastasia asked, surprised.

"Not that I'm aware of," Alistair told her. "And before you say anything else, let me remind you that I have seen very many elves during our time together. And even if I did, it would hardly matter because having an attraction to something doesn't mean that I would have to automatically do it. Um, I mean, act on my attraction."

Anastasia giggled. "I think you got it right that first time."

Alistair blushed and cleared his throat. "Yes, well…As I was saying, I spent all of my teenage years in the Chantry living with the knowledge that I was going to be required to undertake a vow of chastity."

"And actually intending to keep it," Anastasia added.

Alistair nodded. "I really felt that went without saying. Why you seem to feel that that's unusual is beyond me."

"I talk to Wynne about different things than you do," was all Anastasia had to say about the matter.

"If I could control myself then, I can control myself now. Even if I wake up one day and decide that nothing in this world would make me happier – in bed – than to go after an elven woman, I wouldn't do that," Alistair told her solemnly. "And do you know why?"

"Because you don't want to feed into the rumors that you have an elf fetish?" Anastasia guessed.

Alistair laughed lightly. "**No**. It's because I love _you_ and you're not an elf. And then there's also the fact that I wouldn't want to accidentally father another bastard child and I know that the children of an elf and a human never have easy lives. But mostly the former, really, as precaution could be taken and I'm not likely to have another child at all."

Anastasia smiled. "That's so sweet."

"So does that mean you believe me?" Alistair asked hopefully.

"Oh, about the not cheating on me, definitely," Anastasia said playfully. "But about the elf fetish…who knows? If you're not planning on cheating at all and don't ask me to don some pointy ears then I'll never know one way or another. Plus, can all these people _really_ be wrong?"

Alistair just looked at her. "You do realize that 'all these people' regularly go around claiming that you killed Howe by holding him down and cutting him into tiny pieces, that Anora couldn't conceive because she was a commoner, that you and Anora used to have…relations, that Leliana and I were lovers, that Isolde kept killing everyone Teagan tried to marry, that Ser Cauthrien was pregnant with Loghain's child when he died and we kept her locked up until the child was born before stealing the child and making her a Grey Warden, that-"

"Okay, okay, I get it!" Anastasia exclaimed, cutting him off. "So they're not always right about everything. But what are we going to do about the rumors?"

Alistair shrugged. "What **can** we do? People will always choose to believe what they want to believe. I say we just ignore it, relish in our less gullible ways, and make sure you never run around with elf ears – and for more reasons than one."

Anastasia tilted her head in mock-consideration before leaning in to kiss him. "I think I can live with that."

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